


My Immortals — Or How Not to Write Smut

by Pythia_Phoebus



Category: Greek and Roman Mythology
Genre: Crack, Humor, Multi, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-27 04:56:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13873617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pythia_Phoebus/pseuds/Pythia_Phoebus
Summary: why did I write this





	My Immortals — Or How Not to Write Smut

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: bad smut and poor characterization ahead.
> 
> read on at your own risk.

Chapter 1: The Awokening

**(A/N: stacy, tracy, this is for you !!!!!1 <3333)**

it was a booooooooooooooootiful day in mt. olypuss (not as bootiful as afrotittie’s booty ofc cuz dat ass be thiiiiiic). ares did 27,000 rip-curls in his sleep, his sexi arms bulging with every motion (suck it hepatitis u nerd). hermemes banged on the door. when ares didn’t respond, he kicked the door down. aries woke tf up, feeling pissed off.

❝ WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT LOSER ❞ he cried, the sweat on his face only making him look more sexi.

hermemes rubbed himself and moaned. ❝ hot dayum dude quit acting like such a moody dick u kno that makes me jizz in mah pants. ❞

aires raised his brow, letting go of the blanket that shieded his huge god meat. ❝ oh yeah? ❞ he roared.

hermems dropped the mail he was planning to deliver and bent over, shaking his lil white boi ass.

❝ yeah, ❞ he told ares shyly, ❝ plz punish me w/ ur mighty sword, u delicious god of war and sex. ❞

ares got hard. he streaked across the room and tore herpes’ clothes off with a beastly growl. ❝ As u wsih, u cheeky brat. ❞

aires scowierred hermes open with his lube-coated manly sausgae fingers of lust. once he was satisfied with his work, he laid back down the bed (wink-wonk) and implaed his slut on his big fat cock.

herpes gasped.

**(A/N: omg, aren't bois kissing HOT, u guyz !! make sure to leave a kudo and comment!)**

Chapter 2: The Boner-Killer

**(A/N: thanks sooooo much for all the support, u guyz rule!!1)**

ares slapped hermes on the ass. ❝ ride me, ho. ❞

and hermemes obeyed, feeling like he was voyaung to elusiqum. ❝ OH OH ARES OOOOOOOH YOU’RE SO— ❞

❝ WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE ❞ THUNDERED ZEUS.

herpes yelped and hopped off aires’s dick, covering himself with the discarded blanket. ares tho? he don’t give a shit. he be sitting there nekkid with his long spear out and proud.

❝ ‘sup, old man, ❞ ares barked, stroking his hot rod, ❝ lol u mad that mah 8========D is bigger than urs? ❞

zeus pounced on the studly stud like a screeching fury. ❝ DON’T YOU DARE TALK SHIT ABOUT MY THUNDERBOLT YOU PIECE OF FUCKBOI GARBAGE I WILL DESTROY YOU ❞

hermes fled from the scene, spreading news about the fight.

**(A/N: gasp, WHAT A PLOT TWIST!!!!!!!1)**

Chapter 3: The Best Cure for Blue Balls

**(A/N: this is my longest ch yet so y'all better appreachiate it)**

even if hermemes hadn’t filled the rest of olympiss in, they would have gotten the hint by the sounds of screams and punches and kicks. the rest of the olympains rushed in to stop zues and aries before they took their battle too far. justin biever cried golden tears as he recited a haiku about love and friendship (gross). but zeus and ares didn’t give a shit and flipped him off. he cried harder and his twin sister, artimes, hugged him and glared at her father and brother.

❝ fuck u guys for fucking with my baby bro’s feelings u fucking fucks, ❞ she snarled.

hepatitis muttered, ❝ can’t we just give them a get along shirt and be done with it. ❞

aphrodite yawned. ❝ borrrrrrrrrrrring! why do that when I can do _this?_ ❞

with a snap of her delicate fingers, her clothing fell off of her, revealing her curvylivious body. All male gods within a 100-mile radius (and some female ones, too) drooled themselves a river. ❝ cum and get me, bois! ❞ she giggled.

hunkilicious ares stopped squeezing his father in a chokehold and howled, his not-so-little soldier standing at attention. then he started putting his ding-dong into afrotittie’s venus flytrap of love and forgot all about the dick-measuring contest he was willing to wage war over just a few minutes ago.

zeus grumbled, rubbing his sore throat and feeling grateful that he got a chance to get in some kicks in to his brat of a son’s supposed priapus-shaming monster schlong. by that point, most of the olympians filed out of the room. some stared on in envy — he dunno why tho because HIS thunderbolt is waaaaay bigger than that puny sword ares calls a cock — and others gave ares a thunbs-up. eventually, he noticed hoeseidon’s heated gaze. he narrwoed his eyes.

❝ come to gloat u thirsty thot? ❞ zues asked him in a miserable voice.

posiedon’s eyes widened. ❝ n-no, master. I would never. ❞

and for the first time that night (da fight lasted hours)……………...zeus noticed that poiesdon was wearing a french maid uniform with stockings and high heels that look like they were stolen from a stripper.

❝ wtf slut ❞ zeus boomed elegantly, his voice making thotseidon’s panties drop.

❝ I’m all yours, master, ❞ poseidon said sensitively, showing zeus the tattoo he got on his ass that branded him as zeus’s cockslut.

just then……………………...A FLAMING MOTORCYCLE BROKE DOWN A HOLE IN ARES’S ROOM OMIGOD

aries stopped banging his babe to groan out: ❝ oh what the FUCK is it this time? ❞

out of the shadows………………….stepped in the bad boy of the underworld, hades.

his brothers gasped.

**(A/N: SQUEEEEEEEEEE, HADES, I LUV U <3333)**

Chapter 4: Two Is Vanilla, Three Is A Threesome

**(A/N: omigosh, this _not_ a My Immortal rip-off so fuk off, h8ers !!!!1)**

hades stood there, looking like an even hotter sex god than ares. his skin was pale af like edward colon and glittered in the moonlight. His hair was spiked up with red tips. his eyes were the most goffic red eva that spoke of misery, loss, and tragedy. it took all hoesidon had not to bend over for both zues and hades right then and there.

as if reading his brother’s mind, hades unhooked his belt. his black skinny jeans fell down to the floor. everybody with a sex drive within a 500 mile radius screamed out in pleasure. even ares was in awe.

❝ dayum uncle no homo but u hung af, ❞ aries bellowed.

posiedon’s breath hitched, his eyes transfixed on that fleshy serpent. ❝ he’s purrfect. ❞

jealous, zeus whipped out his own dick. ❝ he’s got nothing on me tho baby. ❞

aphrodite rolled her eyes, her perky breasts bouncing as she rode ares. ❝ would you just go fuck that thirsty lil piece of ass I call my friend before either ares or I do it for you, zeusie? ❞

since zeus is so smartical, he took the hint — as did hades. together, they whisked poseidon off to zeus’s bedroom where they laid him down on the bed. frantic to get laid (and show up that cocky son of his, ares), zeus shrugged out of his suit. hades, meanwhile, made poseadone take his clothes off for him. as soon as zeus and hades were both naked, they got on top of poseidon and were about to put their thingies into his you-know-what when —

❝ WAIT! ❞ sobbed apollo beaver, clucthing his getar.

❝ oh, for fuck’s sake — WHAT NOW !!!!!!!!!1 ❞ zeus demanded.

❝ yeah, ❞ hades shierked, his haunt black eyes crying at the lack of action his bident was getting.

❝ YOU CAN’T FUCK UNCLE PO, DAD ❞ apoolo whimpered.

❝ AND WHY THE FUCK NOT?! ❞ zooos grieved.

appolo timberlake broke down crying. ❝ BECAUSE I LOVE HIM ❞

aprodhite GASPED………………………

the end?

**(A/N: gimme 1,000 kudos & reviews and I'll continue this, xoxoxo)**

**Author's Note:**

> If you actually read all of my nonsense, I would like to say two things. First of all, I'm sorry. Second of all, can I interest you in a complimentary box of cookies?


End file.
